Chapter One: Unwanted Love


Authors Note: Both the strangest and most explicit fanfic I’ve ever wrote. If you’re not a fan of slash, then don’t read. Also, I’ve expanded upon it slightly. And I’m thinking of changing the title. Any suggestions?

Disclaimer: I don’t own the Wheel of Time. If I did, this would be in the books.


It was so obvious they where lovers. Soft caresses, kind words and kisses too intimate not to be between lovers.

I suppose I was jealous.

I’m not sure which one I really desired. They always where together, so the words: ‘Siuan and Moiraine’ always ran together. They seemed like one person.

Merean knew why I helped them cheat in the test for the shawl. I was never good at concealing my feelings. But I would have done anything, I think, to be near them.

But to me love always went hand-in-hand with cruelty. I cannot describe the sheer thrill I got from hurting my lovers, making them beg for mercy. I have only had one lover who ever returned this.

Eirana, I remember, had the softest hair and the coldest eyes. She was an Accepted with me.

My blood on her hands, the smell on my blood on her hands, drove me wild. I have very few memories from my time with her. She would always beat me senseless, so I remembered very little. We healed each other, using a weave that was partially observed from watching Sisters and partially improvised by ourselves.

Ah...but Moiraine and Siuan where my first real loves. Never did I lay my hands on them, yet they could pleasure me in ways Eirana never could.

I first realised I loved them during a time with Eirana, after we had passed for the Shawl. It was dark, the bedclothes where crumpled around us and I let out a strangled cry of: “Light! Siuan! Moiraine!”

Eirana stopped what she was doing immediately. “What?” She demanded hoarsely, her lips coated with crimson liquid. I supposed she had been biting me somewhere. Or maybe she had cut me with that little dagger she loved to use so much. Pain and pleasure had become the same when I was with Eirana. I could not distinguish between them.

I stared at her dumbly.

“Those two...Novices...” She hissed. She sat back on my stomach. “You desire them?” She fingered her dagger. I did not know whether she meant to kill me with it or force Moiraine and Siuan on me at knife point. Eirana was unpredictable and erratic. Sometimes, when another caught my eye, she would laugh and joke about asking them to join us. One actually did once. Other times, she would fly into a jealous rage. I remember a Novice whom I was infatuated with ‘fall’ down the stairs and break her neck. Eirana and I never did discuss it.

“No,” I replied.

“No...?” Her eyes widened in shock and she began to trace my nipples with the blade of her dagger. “You love them,” It was not a question.

I realised it was true, though Eirana was tracing a little too freely with that dagger for my liking. Yet I could not lie to her. She knew me too well. “I think so,” I admitted.

Her tracing stopped abruptly. “I did not think you capable of love, Elaida,” She said.

I said nothing. It was cold in the room and goosebumps formed on my skin. I exhaled softly.

Suddenly, she leaned down, until she was an inch from my face. She studied me intently for a moment and then kissed me. Eirana had kissed me many times before, but she had never kissed me like this before. It was soft and almost tender. Our kisses had usually been fierce and almost-painful. She laid her cheek against mine and sighed.

Almost tentatively, I reached up and stroked her hair. We had never shared this type of caring embrace before. Yet I had often imagined Siuan and Moiraine sharing similar ones. Somehow this level of closeness never seemed possible with Eirana.

She seemed to hear what I was thinking, as she suddenly pulled back. She smiled almost sadly and then tore the dagger down my cheek. I cried out. This was agony. Utter agony. She had never cut my face before and without the heat of lust to take away the pain, I felt tears on my cheeks and my hand reached up and gripped her wrist. “Don’t!” I managed to croak.

She smiled. “Something to remember me by, dear,” She said in her most sultry tone – the tone she had used when she had first spoke to me. The tone that had briefly enraptured me. She kissed me again, a chaste, quick kiss on the lips and then rolled off me. Her wrist was torn from my hand easily and I watched her get dressed without moving. Before she left, she paused at the door. “You might want to consider getting healed,” Then she left me.

I got up and hobbled to the adjoining room. I stared at myself in the mirror. Eirana had done much damage. That was the first time I sought Merean out for healing. I waited until I was sure the Tower was asleep and then sought her out.

She was surprised to see me. She gasped at my injuries. What seemed to me a routine wound for one night with Eirana, was, apparently, barbaric to anyone else. She murmured to me soft words of comfort and asked who done it. I refrained from telling her. I think something clicked in her memory then, as she narrowed her eyes and gave me a curt: “I see,”

It was soon after that I had my foretelling and attached myself to Morgase. Ah yes, there where some nights that I regretted ever doing that. Somehow I could not recall their faces with the absolute clarity I once could. Perhaps it was not seeing them everyday.

On occasion, I slept with Morgase. I did not find her particularly alluring, though she was certainly attractive, and I was lonely. The fact that I wanted her, though, surprised her. I think she thought that all Aes Sedai where devoid of such longings. It is a strange thing to sleep with a Queen. To find that under the strange haughtiness of command and the aloofness they must maintain, that they too are women and that they are equally as lonely as Aes Sedai.

It was a more caring liaison than mine and Eirana’s. Morgase did not like violence. She did not want to be hurt. She wanted love. This, I think, was when my association between the two came apart. She helped me just as much as I helped her during the days after Taringail’s death.

But she never loved me and I never loved her. She was never inclined towards her own gender before and it was isolation that drove her to me. I welcomed her gladly, even if it was only to have someone beside me when I slept.

She left me too when Thom Merrilin, a Gleeman, came along.

“It’s not that I’m not grateful,” She murmured to me, gripping my hands. “You have been a great comfort to me for a long time now. But it was never more than comfort. We agreed on that a long time ago,”

“Yes, of course, only comfort,” I replied with a smile, though inside me something was twisting wretchedly and my chest tightened.

She had outgrown my comfort. I had not outgrown hers.

Yet it was only comfort. I could deal with a loss of that. I went back to dreaming of Moiraine and Siuan. Morgase had briefly been an outlet for my desire for them.

It was near the end of the Aiel War that I returned to the Tower. It was a few days after I arrived, that I decided to visit them. I don’t know what made me do it. I think I was mad with lust. I had visions of stalking in and demanding that they pleasure me. But that is not what happened.

A girl was with them – Myrelle or some such – and they where practicing for the Test for the Shawl. I smiled and made a grandiose statement about how back in my day we knew how to practice. Indeed we did. Eirana would often have me screaming in agony and writhing on the floor before she took pity.

So I started to practice with them. I saw the loathing in their eyes. I tried to kid myself it was lust, but I knew better. I rained blow after blow on them with saidar and they held out longer than I would have expected. The smaller one, Moiraine, broke first and the other one, Siuan, did not even whimper.

Ah, but never have I enjoyed myself so.

When I came back the next morning, my suspicions where confirmed. I don’t think they could ever have denied it. Why would they?

I stopped dead as I pushed open the door. Moiraine’s head was resting on Siuan’s shoulder and Siuan was holding the smaller girl in a loose embrace. From the way Moiraine was nuzzled contently into Siuan’s breast, I saw I was right.

I shook both of them awake and clapped Moiraine’s head between my hands and wove weaves of Spirit to heal the girl’s wounds. She grimaced from the way the bedclothes fell away from her to reveal her petite, yet near-perfect form. I glanced at her briefly and then clapped Siuan’s head.

When I left them, I was even more wanton. I could not calm myself and could not sit still.

Eirana visited me that day. She was as lustrous as ever; pale skinned and black hair shining. “Hello,” I said warily.

She did not reply, merely studied me much in that same way she had when she had left me. “I heard you had returned from Andor,” She said finally.

“I have,”

“Obviously,” She said scathingly. She hopped up lightly on my desk, scattering the papers I had been reading. She showed more leg than was strictly proper and her dress was so low cut; a Domani would call it scandalous. “Have you had your two young harlots yet?”

I spluttered. “I have not! You shouldn’t be asking –”

“Oh, Elaida,” She laughed and reached forward to catch my chin. Unwillingly, I let myself get caught in her hands. Somehow, she still had that power over me. She smiled. “I know you too well, my where never one to be prudish. I remember you *suggested* some of our exploits,”

“I...” I really had no answer for that. I merely stared at her.

She frowned suddenly. “You really do love them, don’t you?” She paused “I thought it was merely an don’t feel anything for me anymore?” She said this with pleading I had never heard from her before. With her free hand, she began tracing the patterns on the front of my dress.

I gently removed her hand from my chin. She stared at me, slightly bewildered. I had never, I realised, taken the lead before. I leaned up and kissed her forehead wordlessly. She blinked at me. “I think you better leave,” I said quietly.

Her gaze hardened. “You can’t have them, you know,” She said angrily. “They don’t like you, let alone lust after you!” She turned on her heal and strode out of the room.

I thought that had taken care of Eirana. She would not bother me again. But she did. She went to Merean.

The Mistress of the Novices was waiting for me when I returned from helping the two of them cheat on the second night. I knew I would have trouble sleeping. I was smiling when I came to my apartments. I took down my hair and poured myself a cup of fine Cairhienin wine, humming all the while, turned and came face-to-face with the motherly Mistress.

The cup fell from my hand. I gazed at her in astonishment. “Would it not be better to light some lamps?” She asked coolly.

“Yes...Mistress...” I stammered. I could not have channelled at that moment to save my life. I went to my dresser and produced some flint and proceed to light an oil lamp and a brazier. It was cold in my apartments. She watched me without comment.

“Mistress...if I may ask...”

“Sit, child,” She instructed me. Merean was far up the ladder of authority. I did not like being told to sit in my own apartments, yet I did. I sat in a leather backed chair in front of the fire and Merean sat opposite me. I waited. “I have had a complaint,”

“Oh?” I replied.

“A person – I will not say who – has told me you have been courting two Accepted,”

I choked. “Eirana?” I knew she had been hurt yet this – this – was inexcusable. She had went to Merean?

Merean’s only reaction was a slight flickering of the eyelid. “Yes,” She said finally. “Eirana Sedai,”

“I have not...not...”

“You understand that this is unacceptable?” She fixed me with a stern gaze. “Completely improper. Pillow friendships are acceptable, of course, but you are an Aes Sedai, Elaida, they are Accepted. I can tolerate pillow friends between the Accepted and Novices, but not between an Aes Sedai and either an Accepted or a Novice. And not only one Accepted, two,”

I was speechless. “I know, Merean, light, I know,” She raised an eyebrow. “Mistress, I mean,”

“You understand you will have to stop seeing them?”

“I have not been courting them!”

Merean blinked. “Eirana was quite insistent,” She said sceptically. Then she said in much gentler tones, leaning forward to touch my knee. “Have you slept with them, my dear?”

“No!” It came out much too high. “Light, Mistress, I can’t lie! I have not, nor do I wish to –” I choked suddenly, as though my lungs suddenly stopped working, as the first oath took hold. I thumped my chest.

“You wish to, then?” Merean said, a little bemusedly.

I could not deny that. I hung my head and sighed.

“Why where you in their rooms tonight?”

“How do you know –” I demanded, head snapping up.

“I have my ways,” She did not sound best pleased at being questioned.

“You had me followed,” It was not a question.

Merean’s lips compressed. “Yes,” I opened my mouth in outrage, yet shut it when Merean raised her eyebrows a second time. “Why?”

“I...was...helping...them,” I managed through clenched teeth. Every word was an effort.

“Helping them?” Merean repeated.

“Yes...for the test...for the shawl...” I closed my eyes to block out the utterly horrified and dumbfounded expression on Merean’s face.

“Well,” Merean said. “Well,” I glanced at her. Her eyes glittered flintily. “Intolerable,”

“I know,”


“I wanted to see them pass,” I replied miserably. “And...”

“And?” Merean prompted.

“I...think...” I stopped and stared into the flames, gathering courage. “I think,” I said in a more steady tone. “I just wanted to be near them,”

Merean’s breath caught. “Light,” She murmured. She patted my knee in a maternal fashion. “Child, sweet child, you love them,”

“I think so,” I replied grimly.

“I did not think –” She stopped abruptly.

“Me capable of love?” I replied, remembering what Eirana had said. “Eirana said the same thing,”

“No, I thought it was a mere infatuation with your pets,” She scrutinised me. “You and Eirana where involved,” She guessed shrewdly.

“For years,” I replied tiredly.

“Is that why –?”

“She was jealous,” I said softly. “She was always jealous,”

Merean was gazing at me in abject sympathy. “I think,” She said. “I will go to the two of them tomorrow and Heal them. Better you not do that, Elaida,”

“Better I keep my distance,”

“Yes,” Merean got to her feet and with kind hand on my shoulder, whispered: “Don’t worry about it,”

“I’ll try not to,” She left.

I saw them the next day. Together, as always, coming up the hallway. I stopped dead when I seen them. I tamed my face to impassiveness and they curtsied respectfully. Siuan’s eyes where angry. She evidently had not forgiven me. Moiraine, on the other hand, was mildly curious. She studied me thoughtfully. I have often heard their teachers’ comment, that while both where intelligent, Siuan was more so than Moiraine. I had to disagree. Moiraine was looking at me with a vague understanding. She might not have had a full comprehension of why I did what I did, yet she knew the spirit in which my gift had been given. I had done more to prepare them for the Test than any of their teachers’ had. Whatever Merean had told them, Moiraine had taken it more to heart than Siuan. Siuan could deduce puzzles of word and number, but Moiraine could puzzle out the human nature.

It was not long after that that their chance for the Shawl came around. I entertained vague fantasies of myself with them, but I suppressed them, as I had tried to do since that night with Merean.

I was involved in Moiraine’s testing. I protested. I tried to get out of it. Yet I was still forced into it.

Merean had kind words for me, but I worried about it constantly.

Would this be the time my secret would be out? My Sisters where not blind. I didn’t think I could stand it if whispers followed me around the Tower.

Novices grinning cheekily at me when they thought and couldn’t see them and whispering to each other: “Is that Elaida Sedai?” and “Yes – the one who fell in love with the two Accepted and made a fool of herself at their Testing!”

Greens nudging each other and their Warders making snide jokes about my preferences in those I was intimate with. Whites talking about how illogical it was for me to fall in love. Browns trying to lend me books on the proper codes of conduct. Yellows smirking and murmuring there was no cure for what I had. Blues, stuck in their priggish ways, eyeing me disdainfully. Greys speculating behind my back.

And my own sisters – the Reds. I would bring the most shame the Reds have seen since the time of Bonwhin.

I don’t know how I did it. My face utterly impassive, I watched Moiraine stalk naked through the ter’angreal. To prove I felt nothing for her, I tried my best to make it difficult.

It brought back old memories and long-buried longings.

Merean practically smothered me in sympathy after that.

After that, I saw very little of them. I went back to Andor – alone again – Moiraine left the Tower on some foolish errand and Siuan was Cetalia’s assistant.

And now I’m the Amyrlin Seat.

I deposed one woman I loved and the other is dead. I wept when I heard about Moiraine’s demise. Siuan’s memory still lingers in the Hall. I can’t let myself forget her and sometimes I think I can feel her disapproval. I wonder why I did that. I had not thought of her for so long and she seemed to me just the Amyrlin Seat. Yet when I ripped the ring from her finger...when I stilled her and saw her as she once was...young, vulnerable...again, I loved her.

It was the moment that I came closest to fulfilling all of my fantasies. When I ripped the ring from her finger and stilled her, she lay unconscious. She looked so small and fragile. So unlike herself.

When the others had gone to capture the Keeper, Leane, I knelt beside her and cradled her in my arms.

“Moiraine?” She muttered dazedly. Her eyes where still closed.

I inhaled sharply and held the breath for a long moment. Then, I finally replied: “Yes, I am here, Siuan,”

“Oh, Moiraine,” She moaned softly. “They’ve stilled me...they actually *stilled* me!” Her face crumpled and tears slid down her cheeks.

“Hush, Siuan,” I whispered. “It will be alright, I promise you,”

“How can you promise that?” She demanded weakly. Her eyelids flickered open and, thankfully, they where unfocused and dazed-looking. She did not recognise me. She gripped my arm. “How?”

“It will be alright, Siuan,” I replied. “Don’t ask me how I can,”

For a moment, she was silent. Then she tilted her head upwards and offered me her mouth.

I was astounded. Utterly astounded. I trembled with excitement. She thought I was Moiraine, but it hardly mattered.

I leaned down and kissed her. Her lips parted and it was the one moment I will remember forever. Me, on the floor of the Amyrlin’s office, kissing Siuan Sanche. Her arms encircled me and the kiss deepened.

It was when she murmured “Oh, Moiraine...” that the illusion was broken. It was a highly inappropriate moment. At any moment, Alviarin and the others would return. It would be a very compromising position to be found in.

Gently, I untangled myself.

“Where are you going?” Siuan whimpered. She was dipping in and out of consciousness. “Please, Moiraine, stay with me, you remember when I asked you to stay with me in Shienar? You wouldn’ only night with me...I miss you...” Tears where falling again. “Light, I miss you...please stay...”

Tears where gathering in my own eyes. I kissed her forehead and stroked her hair. “I have to go now, Siuan,”

“No...” Siuan reached out blindly for me. “No, please...”

“I have to go,”

“Moiraine...I love...” The rest of that sentence died on her lips as she finally gave way to unconsciousness. Her head lolled to one side as I laid her on the ground and stepped back.

“I love you too, Siuan,”

Eirana...I still see Eirana around the Hall. She is dull-eyed now. Sometimes, when I am especially lonely, I invite her to my rooms. It has none of the same energies that it used to. Eirana is less cruel now. Somewhere – I don’t know when – she lost her passion for blood and knives. Very often now she is tender and gentle.

“Eirana?” I asked vaguely, late one night, when Eirana was lying beside me.

“Mm?” She murmured back, eyes half-closed.

“Why did you change?”

She hesitated. “I’m not sure,” She muttered back. She moved closer and pillowed her head on my shoulder. She wrapped her arms around me and I absently kissed her temple. After a moment, she said: “I think it was you,”


“When I realised that you didn’t love me,” Eirana replied. “When I realised that you loved Moiraine Damodred and Siuan Sanche. When I realised you couldn’t love me as long as I...was like that,” She said.

“You loved me?” I found this shocking. I thought she was just jealous of her possession.

“Oh, yes,” She chuckled. “I loved you very much,”

I paused and I could hear the distant tick-tocking of the clock. “I do love you, Eirana,” I said sincerely.

“No, you don’t,”

“I do. Just not in the way you wanted me to,” I replied.

She smiled. “Do you still love Moiraine and Siuan?”

“I don’t know,” I replied, closing my eyes. “Does it really matter anymore? I could never have them. They never even liked me, let alone lusted after me,”

“I said that to you,” Eirana sounded both amused and saddened.

“Yes,” I sighed. “One of them is dead and the other stilled. *I* stilled her,”

Eirana sat up and I looked up at her. She smiled and kissed me on the forehead, very reminiscent of that same chaste kiss I had given her that day she had went to Merean. “Goodnight, mother,” She slipped off the bed; sheet wrapped around her nude body and went into the other room, where I heard her begin to dress again.

I listened to her leave and then rolled over and went to sleep.


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